TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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