Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
