i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
