We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
