areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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