shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
