if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
