I wish you could order shots online.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
