you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Randomize
