i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
