party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
