Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
