and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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