He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
