Tell her she can't have a vagina
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
