Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
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