I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Randomize
