you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
