Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
