i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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