my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
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