Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
