I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
