I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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