I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
