Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
