I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Floor bacon is actually really good
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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