I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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