I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Floor bacon is actually really good
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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