I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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