as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
