I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
