If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Randomize
