I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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