I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
