omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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