my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
