So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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