just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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