I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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