y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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