Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
