I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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