I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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