i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
