my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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