I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
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