I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
