Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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