i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
